Nonfiction

Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age

Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age

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  • Create Date：2021-08-20 22:21:11
  • Update Date：2025-09-06
  • Status：finish
  • Author：Bruce Feiler
  • ISBN：1101980516
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Summary

From the New York Times bestselling author of The Secrets of Happy Families and Council of Dads， a pioneering study of the disruptions upending contemporary life and a bold guide for how to navigate life’s growing number of transitions with more meaning， balance， and joy。
 
Bruce Feiler has long been writing about the stories that give our lives meaning。 Recently he began to notice a new pattern: our old stories， with their predictable plot points along linear paths， no longer hold true。 The idea that we’ll have one job， one relationship， one source of happiness is hopelessly outdated。 Yet many people feel overwhelmed by this change。 We’re concerned that our lives are not what we expected; that we’re living life out of order。
 
Galvanized by a personal crisis and family emergency， Feiler set out on what became an epic journey to harvest American stories and see what he could learn from them。 He crisscrossed the country， collecting hundreds of life stories from a breathtaking range of Americans in all 50 states。 He then sifted through and coded these stories， building a massive database of patterns and takeaways that can help all of us live better。
 
LIFE IS IN THE TRANSITIONS introduces the fresh， pressing vision of the nonlinear life， in which personal disruptions and lifequakes are becoming more plentiful， nontraditional life shapes are becoming the norm， and each of us has the opportunity to write our own story。 Drawing on an extraordinary trove of insights， Feiler offers a powerful， new transition toolkit with original strategies for coping with the difficult， painful， or unsettling times of life。
 
From a master storyteller with a timely message， LIFE IS IN THE TRANSITIONS can move readers of any age to think deeply about times of change in their lives and how to transform them into periods of creativity and growth。

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Reviews

Marcos Malumbres ，

I had a very hard time finishing the book。 One of the most frequent problems with current literature is the （commercial？） need to extend any idea without limit。 This book contains a few interesting ideas， perhaps not novel or especially original but worth to discuss。 These ideas are hidden in tons of useless words and examples。 Many of the examples used in the book do not belong to the chapter in which they are used。 Some others are summarized in one line when they deserve a chapter。 Others span I had a very hard time finishing the book。 One of the most frequent problems with current literature is the （commercial？） need to extend any idea without limit。 This book contains a few interesting ideas， perhaps not novel or especially original but worth to discuss。 These ideas are hidden in tons of useless words and examples。 Many of the examples used in the book do not belong to the chapter in which they are used。 Some others are summarized in one line when they deserve a chapter。 Others span a chapter without obvious reason…I’m summary， there are some interesting ideas and limited representation of 225 interviews （very likely representing something close to the author society） used to select some examples。 Almost every example selected randomly could be used for any of ideas which gives the impression that any meta-analysis and conclusion is rather a personal view of the author， and that the book could have been written in many other different ways with the same examples。。Not bad but。。 hardly engaging… 。。。more

Holly ，

I heard this author on a podcast and he has a very compelling personal story that led him to explore this idea of how we adapt and cope with just the routine transitions of life and the major disruptions （or "lifequakes"） that fundamentally change us and our world view -- whether they are standalone incidents or a combination of factors。 Having experienced this myself recently and still， I was really intrigued by his idea of three stages of transitions （the long goodbye， the messy middle and the I heard this author on a podcast and he has a very compelling personal story that led him to explore this idea of how we adapt and cope with just the routine transitions of life and the major disruptions （or "lifequakes"） that fundamentally change us and our world view -- whether they are standalone incidents or a combination of factors。 Having experienced this myself recently and still， I was really intrigued by his idea of three stages of transitions （the long goodbye， the messy middle and the new beginning） and the premise that we are really good at one of these and really bad at one。 I certainly know that I am bad at the messy middle。 What I wish is that the book had more practical tips for me on how to navigate this stage。 It is a quick read with lots of personal stories and vignettes， but again -- for me， not enough meat。 。。。more

Crissy ，

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 I'm really excited I won a free copy for reading and I will post my review after reading！ Excited！ Thanks！ I'm really excited I won a free copy for reading and I will post my review after reading！ Excited！ Thanks！ 。。。more

Karmen ，

Found this extremely relevant in today's age and world we are living in。 Found this extremely relevant in today's age and world we are living in。 。。。more

Christyna Hunter ，

This book has given me a lot to think about。

Courtney ，

Heard about this one on Laura Tremaine's podcast and thought it would be a timely and appropriate read。 I've since talked about it non-stop and recommended it to several people！ I enjoyed hearing the real world stories from the author's Life Story Project， and the book is actually helpful， with real， measurable steps you can take towards handling transitions in your life。 This book is actually helpful for answering the question: What is the meaning of life？ Read this and Man's Search for Meaning Heard about this one on Laura Tremaine's podcast and thought it would be a timely and appropriate read。 I've since talked about it non-stop and recommended it to several people！ I enjoyed hearing the real world stories from the author's Life Story Project， and the book is actually helpful， with real， measurable steps you can take towards handling transitions in your life。 This book is actually helpful for answering the question: What is the meaning of life？ Read this and Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl and you will probably have life figured out。 。。。more

Nick ，

I'm not sure that the first part of Feller's premise rings true， that we used to perceive life as linear。 As the young men and women who were drafted into WWII， or the Vietnam War， about the linear life they never had。 But he's certainly correct that life isn't particularly linear now， and that lifequakes can and do happen to most of us at some point or points in our lives。 He's got a useful schema for responding to the messiness of life （now） and creating your own new meaning in the story that I'm not sure that the first part of Feller's premise rings true， that we used to perceive life as linear。 As the young men and women who were drafted into WWII， or the Vietnam War， about the linear life they never had。 But he's certainly correct that life isn't particularly linear now， and that lifequakes can and do happen to most of us at some point or points in our lives。 He's got a useful schema for responding to the messiness of life （now） and creating your own new meaning in the story that you tell to the world。 This is an insightful book and useful for anyone looking to find a way to navigate rough life waters。 。。。more

Brier Stucky ，

A solid book on how to handle life's transitions， held together by the stories of hundreds of people that back up Feiler's points。 Feiler departs from old models of life changes and stages and instead proposes， with evidence， that we now （and perhaps have always） live in a nonlinear age。 Gone are the clear changes in life stage and the criteria to enter or move beyond them。 Now more than ever， life is being lived in a way that may seem out of order。 But this is precisely Feiler's point: the nonl A solid book on how to handle life's transitions， held together by the stories of hundreds of people that back up Feiler's points。 Feiler departs from old models of life changes and stages and instead proposes， with evidence， that we now （and perhaps have always） live in a nonlinear age。 Gone are the clear changes in life stage and the criteria to enter or move beyond them。 Now more than ever， life is being lived in a way that may seem out of order。 But this is precisely Feiler's point: the nonlinear life is reality， while the story of life phases is a construction。 As a guide to embracing the reality of nonlinear life， Feiler's work is helpful in that it points out the frequency of change， the nature of change， and the importance of meaning。 For anyone who is undergoing a life transition or feels that one may be coming on （Feiler estimates that we encounter a transition of some magnitude every 12-15 months） I would recommend this book。 。。。more

Lenae ，

While the title sounds like a general self-help book， I'd call it a "self-tell" book。 Feiler's premise is that the culturally common notion of a linear life--one which ascends through a series of successes and growth through middle life， then descends toward death--is outdated and inaccurate。 Feiler arrived at this conclusion following "life interviews" with hundreds of diverse individuals。 He posits that in actuality， transition is a regular occurrence which comprises a large chunk of most of o While the title sounds like a general self-help book， I'd call it a "self-tell" book。 Feiler's premise is that the culturally common notion of a linear life--one which ascends through a series of successes and growth through middle life， then descends toward death--is outdated and inaccurate。 Feiler arrived at this conclusion following "life interviews" with hundreds of diverse individuals。 He posits that in actuality， transition is a regular occurrence which comprises a large chunk of most of our lives， and that story （hence， "self-tell"） is a device by which we can both navigate these bends and also connect with others。An overview of this book doesn't do justice to its honesty， depth， and raw beauty。 All those life interviews are sprinkled throughout; I devoured these anecdotes and increasing felt less bizarre， less of a failure， and less alone as I navigate my own major life transition。 Perhaps one of Feiler's best propositions is that change is something we can and should master--that changes （what he calls "lifequakes"） can be catalysts for pain and confusion， but also reinvention and creativity。 His "toolkit" offers compelling， directly applicable ideas for embracing transition as an opportunity rather than a dead end。 If you're grappling with a lifequake--whether it's self-initiated， external， or perhaps a surprise--this book will comfort， empower and inspire you to look at it differently。。。 And tell a new life story。 。。。more

Pam Venne ，

If you are ever facing a transition in your life and Bruce Feiler says that we go through one every 18 months or so， you should pick up LIFE IS IN THE TRANSITIONS。 It will help you process the emotions you are experiencing and don't know how to deal with。 He interviewed hundreds of people and provides so many examples of all types of transitions， it helps you not to feel alone。 If you are ever facing a transition in your life and Bruce Feiler says that we go through one every 18 months or so， you should pick up LIFE IS IN THE TRANSITIONS。 It will help you process the emotions you are experiencing and don't know how to deal with。 He interviewed hundreds of people and provides so many examples of all types of transitions， it helps you not to feel alone。 。。。more

DivyaJyoti Rajdev ，

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 Andrea Gibson wrote "I have been told， sometimes， the most healing thing to do is to remind ourselves over and over: other people feel this too"。That's what the book is。 If you're in a period of transition or a life event equivalent to a 10 car pileup （lifequake）， the book through its stories and chapters reminds us， other people feel this too。 Transition can be thought of as a non linear effortful process to turn noise into musicSimilar to the way we alter a memory everytime we recall it， we al Andrea Gibson wrote "I have been told， sometimes， the most healing thing to do is to remind ourselves over and over: other people feel this too"。That's what the book is。 If you're in a period of transition or a life event equivalent to a 10 car pileup （lifequake）， the book through its stories and chapters reminds us， other people feel this too。 Transition can be thought of as a non linear effortful process to turn noise into musicSimilar to the way we alter a memory everytime we recall it， we alter our life story every time we tell it。 What is a life story？ Take two events， connect them in time and then give it meaning。 By creating this meaning in the narrative we can turn the unhappiest events to have compassion， empathy， and well-being。 The best response to a set back is to treat it as an autobiographical moment to change our story。 We go through 3-5 lifequakes in a lifetime， lasting 5-10 years， so we spend about half our life in them， it's imperative to master these transitions。Some questions to help you reflect on the transitions:- tell me the story of your life in 15mins- were your biggest transitions voluntary or involuntary- how did you structure your time？- did you use rituals or markers during the transition？- how long did the transition take？- looking back， is there a theme to the transitions in your life？- what is the shape of your life？- if your life is divided in chapters， what chapter is next？Life has become nonlinear， meaning， the act of playing the game changes the rules of the game。 So the life stages model does not hold。 Even within a single transition the stages of the long goodbye， the messy middle， and the new beginner do not occur in often。 However， there are still some steps we can take to be better at transitions:- accept it （the long goodbye）， people do this by resigning to the emotion， just submit to it fully， knowing that there is the other side and that you will come out through there- mark it （the long goodbye）， move， get a tattoo， structure your time， give up old habits- shed it （the messy middle）， this is the scary bit， the bit where the chrysalis has goo and nothing else。 25% of people struggle with intense sadness during this time， 20% struggle with intense fear。 Even if you're sad or afraid， keep moving- create it （the messy middle） what does the next chapter look like， what do you fill your time with， how does the shape of your life change？ Start the journey。 you need to create your new body too because the body keeps the score。 people take different approaches to creating -- the sandbox or exploratory approach， the circular approach that works in loops with the goal to get better after each turn （religion， gardening， journaling）， or directed quest approach （goals， checklists）- share it （floating）， share your story with comforters， nudgers， slappers， modelers， naysayers and take from it what your need to fuel the growth。 Share it even with yourself。 Writing about a traumatic experience even for 15mins a day for 4 days can reduce related stress weeks and months down the line， expect some short term increase in discomfort and unhappiness though- launch it （the new beginning） unveil it， your new self in its new role。 Start with the smallest normal tasks， remember that the actions precede the feeling。 This is where shape shifting happens， going from a me story to a we or thee story。 - unveil it -- tell your story， others need to know they're not alone。 Choose your narrative， will it be the corruptive arc "lifequake happened and my life is worse now" or the redemptive arc "lifequake happened and it made my life better"？There are three shapes life can take- lines （agency focused） -- the me story- circles （belonging focused） -- the we story- lodestarts （cause focused） -- the thee storyStories bring together all three by giving us agency to create meaning， sharing it to connect and create belonging， and inspiring others through them （Cause）。 Creating stories helps us be our most human self -- being creative and having the power to regenerate。 Mirror neurons in our brains mirror emotions of others， this makes us laugh when others laugh and cry when they do， these mirror neurons come into play when we tell our stories， when we say we will get better， we create the possibility to。In writing the book Bruce Feller also brought together some amazing quotes from other thinkers that I want to remember:- Victor Frankl - if there is meaning in life at all then there must be meaning in suffering- Pema Chodron - we regard discomfort as bad news， but disappointment， despair， embarrassment， irritation， resentment， and anger， instead of just bad news， tell us with terrifying clarity exactly where we are stuck- Andre Gide - One doesn't discover new shores without consenting to lose sight of the land for a long time （shed it）- Kierkegaard - When one life dream shatters we must move onto anotherFinally， it helps to remember that it is the wolf that makes the hero， without it， it's just a walk in the woods。 。。。more

Christine ，

LOVED IT！

Deirdre Keating ，

I’m glad I got this from the library， otherwise I would have read the first two chapters and then have planned to read the rest *someday*—instead， thanks to a deadline， I read it but kept hoping for more takeaways。 I liked the personal story of his own father’s struggle and how telling his story was a lifeline。 Beyond that the main takeaways from the hundreds of interviews Feller did were: people go through LOTS of transitions and often later in life than they expected。 I didn’t see any specific I’m glad I got this from the library， otherwise I would have read the first two chapters and then have planned to read the rest *someday*—instead， thanks to a deadline， I read it but kept hoping for more takeaways。 I liked the personal story of his own father’s struggle and how telling his story was a lifeline。 Beyond that the main takeaways from the hundreds of interviews Feller did were: people go through LOTS of transitions and often later in life than they expected。 I didn’t see any specific guidelines or conclusions on how to better navigate them。 He talks about the three stages: the long goodbye， the messy middle and the new beginning。 Does that sound obvious to anyone else？Shauna Niequist recommended this on two different podcasts， which is why I read it。 I’m so curious what struck her as novel or helpful。 There were， again， 100s of anecdotes from interviews and many were amazing but we learn a bit of their story and then ever hear of them again。 I know this is the trend in books about behavioral theory， and Feller credits Solomon’s Far from the Tree， but I’m just not a fan。 I much prefer the deeper dive into just a handful of people’s stories， as in Maybe You Should Talk to Someone。If you read this and get more from it， please comment because I do feel like I am missing something。 I feel like everything the book offers can be found in the William James quote that the title references:“Life is in the transitions。 We can’t ignore these central times of life; we can’t wish or will them away。 We have to accept them， name them， mark them， share them， and eventually convert them into fuel for remaking our life stories。” 。。。more

The Reading Countess ，

Well researched， accessible and conversational in deliverance， I found this hard to put down and affirming。 I especially liked how the author states that we all have a life story， nonlinear in form， and that is precisely what breathes air into our lives。 A five to seven year recovery time following one of life’s major transitions， though， both makes sense as well as frightens me。

Sarah ，

I heard Bruce speak about this book at Calvin University's January Series and was intrigued。 I started the book the same day but wasn't able to get into it until some months later， following my own "lifequake，" the term he uses for major life disruptions。 In the end， the book proved exceedingly helpful in reframing some of my life events as opportunities cloaked in chaos and gave me affirmation that the linear life is a myth。 I highly recommend this book to anyone experiencing transitions or str I heard Bruce speak about this book at Calvin University's January Series and was intrigued。 I started the book the same day but wasn't able to get into it until some months later， following my own "lifequake，" the term he uses for major life disruptions。 In the end， the book proved exceedingly helpful in reframing some of my life events as opportunities cloaked in chaos and gave me affirmation that the linear life is a myth。 I highly recommend this book to anyone experiencing transitions or struggling to make sense of past transitions。 。。。more

Ruth Natanson ，

I liked this book and found so many things I could relate to， especially during this year of the pandemic。 Bruce is right， we go through so many transitions in our life and it helps to talk about them in our families。 He also talks about “Lifequakes” - serious upheavals that turn our world around。 I can name three so I read and reread those sections more than once。 He has many vignettes of people whom he interviewed， almost too many examples。 I found that tedious; I think fewer would have been b I liked this book and found so many things I could relate to， especially during this year of the pandemic。 Bruce is right， we go through so many transitions in our life and it helps to talk about them in our families。 He also talks about “Lifequakes” - serious upheavals that turn our world around。 I can name three so I read and reread those sections more than once。 He has many vignettes of people whom he interviewed， almost too many examples。 I found that tedious; I think fewer would have been better。 He also spent a lot of time on telling your own story。 I liked this as I am in process of writing mine but I think that section could have been a separate book。 Excellent writing！ 。。。more

Glenn Hyman ，

If the average person goes through a life disruption every 12 to 18 months， then to the extent that it's better off not to have these disruptions， I have had relatively few。 But the lack of adversity may make you susceptible to disruption when indeed it does happen。One thing about all the examples in the book is that though many are transitions based on terrible things that happen to people， most of the storiesa come out well in the end。 Whereas in real life， there must be a huge percentage that If the average person goes through a life disruption every 12 to 18 months， then to the extent that it's better off not to have these disruptions， I have had relatively few。 But the lack of adversity may make you susceptible to disruption when indeed it does happen。One thing about all the examples in the book is that though many are transitions based on terrible things that happen to people， most of the storiesa come out well in the end。 Whereas in real life， there must be a huge percentage that just end in misery。 Because it's unscientific， you don't know how many those are。 Feiler seems to interview famous people， a bias。A reviewer pointed out how the examples are unscientific， and asked why the book seems to appeal to so many readers。 I think it's probably because the readers are somewhat self-selected。  People who have been through major transitions， or are in one now， are probably the ones that buy the book。I wonder if the book had extra sales just because it came out right before the Covid 19 pandemic。One question the book does not deal with is what you can do to avoid and motivate positive transitions。 On the negative side， you can take better care of your health， buy insurance or maybe be overly risk-averse。 On the positive side， being lucky in life often is about putting yourself in a position to take advantage of opportunities。 Nobody can choose who their parents are or the station that they are born into。 So， as a society， we should focus public policy that helps people in negative transitions， and gives people more opportunity to develop positive transitions。 。。。more

Sandy ，

Challenging book to read — lots of info — almost felt like I needed to study it for a test。 Couldn’t just “read” it for sure。 Agree with a lot of the concepts， still struggling to figure out my life shape。 😉

John McPhee ，

The Story of Your LifeI’ve never read a book like this。 Our lives have many disruptions。 These disruptions create transition moments。 The average life has 35 of these - of different impacts。 Determining your story will elevate your life by giving you clarity about what’s behind you and possibly what’s ahead。 There are many ways to tell your story。 And many ways to move forward from it。 This book will give you the reason and the structure to do it and an insight into the value of doing it。

Leslie ，

More like 3。7 stars。 It deserves more than 3-and-a-half， but it's not quite a 4 for me。 So 3。7 it is。 More like 3。7 stars。 It deserves more than 3-and-a-half， but it's not quite a 4 for me。 So 3。7 it is。 。。。more

Giovanna Walker ，

Feiler is passionate about his subject， undoubtedly， but his presentation of his learnings were， not really interesting I'm afraid。 Using a number of the individual stories， which to be honest， didn't really interest me， to come up with small points， or no points at all， I didn't find helpful。 And also this is a US book， all subjects， just over 200， are from the US。 It's not really a great cross section either。 I didn't finish， I got tired of the 'moms' the 'come to Jesus moments'。。。。 Feiler is passionate about his subject， undoubtedly， but his presentation of his learnings were， not really interesting I'm afraid。 Using a number of the individual stories， which to be honest， didn't really interest me， to come up with small points， or no points at all， I didn't find helpful。 And also this is a US book， all subjects， just over 200， are from the US。 It's not really a great cross section either。 I didn't finish， I got tired of the 'moms' the 'come to Jesus moments'。。。。 。。。more

billy overton ，

Transformational！This book is absolutely inspiring， insightful and life-changing。 Anybody who writes anything negative about it needs to re-read it with an open mind about their own life stories。 I give this book my highest recommendation。

Layla Forooghi ，

This book was a very interesting read especially during quarantine， but I was able to apply it to my past life experiences。 I often reflect on what I read in this book。 And honestly， it makes me wonder - how much does my past effect my family life when I am and am not noticing？ It makes me want the sequel 。。

Jess Dollar ，

What a wonderful， useful， heartbreaking book。

Murray Thomas ，

Feiler has two key things to tell you: your life is a story full of plot twists， and those plot twists are where life happens。 Most （American） lives no longer hold to the old linear pattern （childhood， school， job， marriage， family， retirement）。 Modern lives are constantly changing， shifting direction。 Rather than a straight line， everyone’s life has its own unique shape。 Tell your story and discover your life’s shape。tI could relate immediately。 As a writer， I have told and revised and retold m Feiler has two key things to tell you: your life is a story full of plot twists， and those plot twists are where life happens。 Most （American） lives no longer hold to the old linear pattern （childhood， school， job， marriage， family， retirement）。 Modern lives are constantly changing， shifting direction。 Rather than a straight line， everyone’s life has its own unique shape。 Tell your story and discover your life’s shape。tI could relate immediately。 As a writer， I have told and revised and retold my life’s story many times， in poetry， in prose， in thinly disguised fiction。 I have marked all my transitions， analyzed them， found strength in them。 I decided my life was a maze for the first thirty years， and then became more like an jungle expedition， with a base camp and regular explorative forays。tStill， as I read， I started relating less and less。 There seems to be a disconnect between Feiler’s statistics and his anecdotes （much of the book consists of personal stories illustrating his points）。 He claims the average American goes through a “life disrupter” every two or three years， which includes relatively minor incidents and changes （moving， changing jobs， marriage， childbirth）， incidents which certainly change our lives， but are dealt with with relative ease。 But all his examples are of major disruptions — huge trauma and major dramatic changes: losing limbs， death of a parent or child， business failures — and subsequent complete alteration of one’s life （not just a new job but a new career， religious conversions， etc。）tI feel the book would be much stronger， and more useful to people going through their own transitions， if he had focused at least some on the minor transitions we all go through。 If he had explored how even minor transitions can be life changing， or at the very least difficult to adjust to。 As it is， he leaves the impression all life changes are huge and dramatic， which could lead the average reader to dismiss their own experiences， and to thereby fail to learn the lessons the book hopes to impart。 。。。more

Kathleen Nalley ，

A thoughtful exploration of life transitions， intentional or dictated by unexpected crises。 With a review of the literature paired with hundreds of interviews of a cross-section of people， he challenged Gail Sheehy’s model of progressive stages in life and offered an alternative view。

Robin Tenold ，

Got halfway thru them skimmed the rest。 Great idea。 Needed to be half as long。 Maybe less。

Vertrees ，

Fantastic book！

Kami ，

It's not that anything in this book is revolutionary， but I'd recommend it to anyone who has gone through a major life transition to understand it， as well as anyone in the middle of a transition to better navigate it， and anyone who hasn't really， to prepare for it。 It's not totally a how-to/self-help but is full of useful information and resources。 It's not that anything in this book is revolutionary， but I'd recommend it to anyone who has gone through a major life transition to understand it， as well as anyone in the middle of a transition to better navigate it， and anyone who hasn't really， to prepare for it。 It's not totally a how-to/self-help but is full of useful information and resources。 。。。more

Amyschwarz ，

5 stars， so much content to think about。 Also heartening to know these transactions and how people handle them are similar and follow patterns。

Reference

google book https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&q=Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age

hathitrust digital library https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/ls?q1=Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age&field1=ocr&a=srchls&ft=ft&lmt=ft

The British Library https://bll01.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/discovery/search?query=any,contains,Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age&tab=LibraryCatalog&search_scope=Not_BL_Suppress&vid=44BL_INST:BLL01&lang=en&offset=0